5 Reasons Your Toddler is Waking at Night and How to Fix It
Toddler sleep regressions have a way of dropping out of the clear blue sky. If you’ve experienced one, you know exactly what I mean, and also how maddening they are. One night your toddler is sleeping soundly, and the next night it’s like there’s a literal monster under the bed. Just when you’d gotten used to getting a full night’s sleep -- here we go again with the night wakings, in spades, toddler style.
Night wakings and full on sleep regressions are normal in toddlerhood, so you are in good (exhausted) company if you’ve found yourself in high demand in the wee hours.
Or maybe you’ve never gotten a full night of sleep and were hoping that your kiddo would grow out of it by now?
Either way, you’re probably exhausted, frustrated, and maybe even hopeless at this point. Being awake in the middle of the night with a toddler requires more patience than most parents can summon at 2:00AM. If this is you, there is hope, and light at the end of the sleep-deprived tunnel…keep reading!
Got a jack-in the-box at night?
So why is your toddler waking up in the night? And how can you end those night wakings?
Common regressions due to teething, illness, milestones, schedule/routine disruptions, and travel
Consider these first if your kiddo has a new night waking habit going on.
Illness
Teething
Ear infections
Working on developmental milestones - language explosions, new physical feats of strength and coordination
Travel
Disrupted schedules/routines (e.g. visitors, a parent or close caregiver traveling or sick, big events)
But how do you manage these sleep regressions without creating new habits?
If one of these things is happening, your toddler or preschooler may need extra cuddles and reassurance to sleep well. But do aim to give extra reassurance without running all the way back to old sleep crutches (e.g. give extra snuggles and sit with them for a bit, but leave before they’re asleep; if they have a holy fit when you try to leave, lay next to the bed rather than rocking them to sleep).
Whether they need a little or a lot of help to sleep, get back to the normal sleep habits AS SOON AS POSSIBLE. Children learn by repetition and habits, for better or worse, form quickly. If you let the habits linger, it will be so much harder to get them sleeping through the night again.
But with toddlers, a resurgence of night wakings is often due to something new and different from what woke them as babies. If none of the common regressions are at play, the waking is likely due to one of the following issues…keep on reading.
Growing independence meets separation anxiety
Toddlerhood is a tricky time developmentally. Ask any parent who’s kiddo flipped their lid when they had the audacity to pull out the red pajamas instead of the yellow. WTF were you thinking?🤣 #toddlerlife
Here’s the challenge: toddlers become aware of their growing independence and separateness from their parents. This is thrilling! But it’s also really scary, so they need more reassurance to feel safe and secure in this world that feels so much bigger. During this time, you may find yourself experiencing the lovely paradox of increased separation anxiety and clinginess at night or times of transition, but more independence-seeking and limit-testing during the day. “I do myself!”
Toddlers are professional little experimenters too–they’ve got to explore and test every limit along the way in their quest for independence. And some persistent and inquisitive tots take this to truly trying levels. “Does yes mean yes? Does no mean no? Does yes sometimes mean no and no sometimes mean yes?”
But in spite of this experimentation and trials with independence all day long and probably at bedtime too, they actually need containment to feel safe. Limits and boundaries provide comfort and give little ones the confidence they need to explore the world and its possibilities without becoming overwhelmed by the sheer magnitude of possibilities. We can provide those limits to help our kiddos feel safe and secure, while also giving them the space to explore, learn, and grow.
But how do you manage this vexing mix of independence-seeking, limit-testing, and separation anxiety at bedtime and in the middle of the night?
First and foremost, fill up those little security buckets! You can help soothe separation anxiety with touch (snuggles, massage, etc), to flood their little bodies with feel-good hormones. Also be sure to provide time for one-on-one, screen-free, child-directed connection time with your toddler every day.
Next, aim to keep the bedtime routine intact (or create and maintain one if your family doesn’t already have an established sleep routine) to provide structure and consistency, helping them feel safe and in control. This doesn’t mean your toddler won’t test the limits of the bedtime routine (Oh, they most certainly will!). The testing is to be expected! But when they bump up against the solid, yet loving limits of the routine, it will ultimately lead to greater feelings of security. Kids do best when they know what to expect.
You might even consider making a bedtime chart that outlines the steps of the routine. Even if it’s just stick figures on a sheet of paper, this chart will provide a sense of ownership and mastery over the bedtime routine, which in turn bolsters self-confidence and feelings of control. Let them navigate the steps along the bedtime chart, so they feel empowered and in control. Kiddos who feel confident at bedtime sleep better throughout the night.
Finally, make the bedtime and naptime limits very clear and understandable (e.g. “At bedtime, we stay in bed, stay quiet, and let our bodies rest.” or “We brush our teeth every night to keep our mouths healthy.” -- again, as much as they push the limits, toddlers seek containment and feel anxious when there are no boundaries.
Loving, yet firm and consistent limits, are the name of the game with toddlers. When limits are drawn from a place of calm confidence and the knowledge that you are doing what’s best for your child, it becomes much easier for parents to follow through, and kiddos are much more likely to respect the limits that have been set. Again, kids do best when they know what to expect.
Big time transitions
The toddler years are full of transitions. Potty training, toddler beds, dropping a nap (side note: most toddlers need a nap until at least 3 years old), newborn siblings, and new classrooms at daycare or preschool, just to name a few. Most of these transitions come with a solid dose of excitement, but there’s often some anxiety in the mix as well. Remember, the big new world is thrilling, but also scary!
But how do you manage transitions so that sleep quality stays intact?
Life is full of transitions. The only thing that’s constant is change, right? But we can weather these transitions without wrecking havoc on sleep.
First, be mindful of how these transitions impact your little one, making sure that you’re boosting their feelings of security with lots of snuggles and one-on-one attention. Fill up that little security bucket to help them feel secure!
Also, if you’re stressed, your child will absorb these emotions via mirror neurons in the brain. Stress is terrible for sleep. So taking care of yourself and reducing your own stress levels will have a positive impact on your kiddo (and their sleep!).
Continue to provide comfort through consistent routines. Make sure that the daytime and sleep routines stay strong throughout these transition periods. The regularity of your family’s routines will help them stay anchored as they weather the transition.
Fear (of the dark, the monster, the shadow, the weird noise, etc.)
Your toddler’s imagination is growing by the day and it’s so much fun to watch! But, toddlers aren’t so great at distinguishing fantasy from reality. When the lights are out and the action of the day isn’t keeping their brains busy, fears may begin to bubble to the surface. Is that weird sound coming from the vent a ghost? Or a monster? Is that pointy shadow a witch’s hat (my first kiddo couldn’t tolerate any triangular shadows in his room because they were too likely to be a pointy hat! Poor kiddo hated traffic cones and pizza slices too.)? Or, the fear may just materialize, seemingly out of the blue.
How do I help my child get over their fear of the dark or other nighttime phobias?
Remember: the fear and related emotions are very real to your child, regardless of how illogical it is to you. Fear creates the same physiological response in the body whether it's based on a true threat or not.
First, be sure to validate the feeling of fear (e.g. “I get scared sometime too!”). This is about your child’s feelings and being heard, not the object or source of the fear.
Spend some time playing in the dark together during the day (this is another great reason for blackout curtains!), giving them a chance to be brave when there’s no pressure to sleep. For example, you could pretend to be a puppy who’s scared of the dark and let them bravely save you or talk you out of your fears.
But also help them see and understand what’s really there (or not there!). Grab a flashlight and hold hands or hold your child in your arms and investigate the closet, underneath the bed, or the scary shadow or sound together. They might be scared at first, or even over a matter of days or weeks, but if you hold them close as you confront their fears together, they will become more self-confident in the face of challenges. And eventually the fear will diminish and they will go back to their confidence and sound-sleeping little selves.
Finally, problem solve with them to find a solution. Maybe they need a superhero stuffed animal or flashlight by their bed. Let them participate in the brainstorming even if it takes a while, because any idea they feel ownership of will have a much greater impact!
And remember that avoidance will just solidify the fear. You and your kiddo can move through this fear together, developing reliance and self-confidence along the way.
Shifting schedules
Your toddler may suddenly launch a nap strike. Ouch! And if your toddler or preschooler drops the nap too young, this can lead to night wakings and a legit sleep regression.
Most toddlers and many preschoolers still need a nap. They may just need more time awake before taking it. Many toddlers need 6 hours awake before they’ve built up enough sleep pressure to sleep again. This goes for time awake before the nap and time awake between nap and bedtime. Trying to put a kddo down before they are sufficiently tired can lead to all sorts of shenanigans, fears, tantrums, and headaches.
Please do try to maintain the nap (or at least some down time in a quiet and dark bedroom) until 3-4 years old. Very few two year olds can manage going all day, every day, without a nap. When your kiddo boycotts the nap for a day, a week, or for good, move bedtime earlier to avoid overtiredness! Because overtiredness is another pesky cause of night wakings in toddlers.
Grab this free download to make sure that your toddler (or 2-5 year old’s) schedule is on point!
Getting the timing right makes all the difference in the world when it comes to pediatric sleep.
What if my kiddo has NEVER slept through the night?
If your kiddo has been waking in the night for months or years, it’s likely due to a habit! Maybe they rely on you to help them fall asleep? Which results in them needing you to fall back to sleep, all night long? Or maybe they just never learned to feel secure and confident in the night. This is normal life with Littles. No shame, no judgement! We’ve all been there.
But, there’s also a lot we can do to get your kidding sleeping well, and in a way that fosters self-confidence, attachment, and longterm success in sleep. As a first step, grab our free e-book on 10 tips for stellar sleep (for kiddos 2 to 5 years old).
And we’re always here for you if you need some coaching.
Regardless of the reason why your toddler is waking you up from your very much needed sleep, remember that the emotions you bring to the situation will be felt by your child. Our kiddos absorb our emotions like sponges soak up spilled milk. The best thing you can do is stay calm, confident, and loving, so that you put your best foot…even if it’s a very exhausted foot, forward.
In a nutshell, if you keep an age-appropriate schedule, ensure that your child’s security bucket is full, maintain the solid structure of the sleep routines, clearly outline the expectations around sleep, and keep your emotional state as calm and confident as you can, you can go to bed knowing that your toddler’s night wakings will just be a phase, and this too, shall pass.
We know, that’s a lot to take on by yourself. Parents need a VILLAGE. Reach out if you’d like to schedule a free intro call to learn more about how Little Dipper can help your family discover stellar sleep. And yes, even your toddler!
FAQs about Toddler & Preschooler Night Wakings
Q: How long do sleep regressions last?
A: Well, this depends on the source of the regression and how you respond. Generally, if the disrupted sleep has lasted longer than a month, you’ve moved out of the regression and into a new habit.
Q: My child is so anxious at night now that they scream if I try to leave them (of even just sit on the bed instead of laying down!)
A: Oh goodness—we know how rough this is. If the phase lasts more than a few weeks, please consider reaching out for support! Some kiddos experience higher levels of anxiety than others and devising a plan to reduce the anxiety and restore (or gain) confidence will be easier now than later. We can help you!
Q: I think my child needs to drop their nap, but they go to daycare and I can’t control what happens there.
A: This is a tricky, and very common situation. Children need enough sleep pressure to go to bed at a reasonable time, which for some 3-5 year olds means dropping the nap. But daycare providers need nap times for a break! Sometimes all it takes is asking. There may be a “no-napper room” where your child could spend nap time. If not, they may be able to place your child in a busier part of the room (by other none nappers!) or by an open window to help keep them awake. You could also try sending a special box of toys with them that they can only bring out at nap time. Sometimes the novelty of new toys can keep them awake. We help folks troubleshoot this all the time, so feel free to reach out if you could use more expert tips.